Emotions Are Like Roller Coasters and That Is More Than Perfect
This has been a week of ups and downs, like… Well, life! I am grateful for them all. Yes, even the hard times because I still choose to be open to the lessons that comes from these moments. They often give me quiet pauses and the ability to reflect. I don’t always like “me” that is revealed when I realize I have lost my compassion of seeing “the other person’s side” for example; or the lack of patience I have when people are just vindictive.
I found myself starting the week off standing by Mommy’s side attending a funeral. Ugh! Hello Monday! And even in this moment I realized life is beautiful! It’s mixed with such contrasting elements of emotions and I sway in them all every day a million times a day. I use to think I needed to change this part of me, that somehow being a ‘being’ that feels everything so intensely isn’t right? I should somehow come to expect from myself a more ‘even-keeled’ approach to situations. This is when one often has epiphanies, when you allow yourself to just “be”. And you know what I learned? I am perfect the way I am! I can stand at a grave and feel the enormous amounts of human emotions and they are all wonderful, even grief! I can witness generosity as a man I didn’t even know offered us his umbrella as it started to rain. I can feel the warmth of the sun breaking through the clouds and making it’s way to my face causing me to feel “his” love. I can cry instantly when I hear them play ‘Taps’. I can feel elation when I look at a coffin covered with the American flag and knowing that the man that use to inhabit that body fought for my freedom to be able to stand here at this moment and feel pure joy knowing he is free and his spirit lives on. I can bear witness to the testimonies of his life and be so hit in the face with the realization that what we do in this life impacts everyone we come into contact with, good and bad. And this reminded me of a Maya Angelou quote “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” Amen sister!! I can glance up at the sky and watch and listen to the birds flying above and observe life goes on.
As I stood there holding the umbrella over my mommy, I was trying so desperately to avoid poking my Uncle in the eye who was right behind us. And in this process I kept doinking her in the head with it. So yes, even at a funeral and without a second’s notice I can get the damn giggles with my mommy. I leaned into her neck burying my face trying to maintain some sense of composure, avoiding her eyes at all cost because she was giggling too. I can at this moment be ever so grateful I still have her in my life! Her perfume engulfed my every fiber of spirit and twirled about and I inhaled her! I found myself lost in her. Then it hit me!! My eyes began to swell up with tears. She wears the same perfume I have always known, “Tabu” and the smell belongs to her! It is my mommy. And I just stood with my eyes closed, breathing her in and out, and I was just so damn freaking grateful that I had this moment with her.
My week, even today, has been filled with so many of these emotions. I feel like I’m on a roller coaster! I awoke this morning to a text from my incredibly vivacious eldest, Lindsay. She sent me a sound clip of a song her and her girlfriend were listening to and the text said, “And listen to what we’re listening tooooo! It makes me miss you so much😢.” I had no idea the floodgates were going to be crashing through again. I hit the ‘play’ button and a Dido song was playing. I began bawling! This song has so many memories attached to it and every one of them hit me square in the face. I cried and I laughed reliving them all. I cried because well, that’s what I do! As I tried to get coffee going and breakfast ready for my Boo, tears streaming down my face, I listened to the song. I cried because it reminded me of difficult times. I cried because I survived them all! I cried because I remembered how we would play it over and over again singing it at the top of our lungs. I cried because she heard it and thought of me. I cried because in this sound clip I could hear the two of them singing at the top of their lungs in the background and I envisioned two young girls’, footloose and fancy free, being happy and letting go, and learning life goes on! And they sing! And I cried! I cried because the sound of my daughter’s voice is one of the sweetest there is.
This week, full of tears and giggles and everything in between…I thank you God for all the lessons and beauty you surround us with every day! I embrace each moment fully in all of it’s minute pieces of glory and I laugh and I cry and whatever else happens to come over me and it is all perfect.
~ ❤ and light and many blessings to you all!